January 21, 2013

Grubby Replies

Darling Shazzer,

It is not often that I whinge and whine about your failure to control what is written about Fiji throughout the world (although my sweet redhead, you do an excellent job in Fiji).

But just last week (after I had recovered from our palaver with that lovely Cab Shazz- ooh, I see your name everywhere) I noticed that Spinning Jenny Wayward-Jones ran two articles in the Lowy Institute's The Interpreter by that Professor Nasty

The first article (The Interpreter, 15th January) tried to turn our Great Success at Trashing the Cash Ghai Draft Constitution into a pathetic weapon bringing together our more pathetic political opponents in Fiji.
Hah hah. They don’t know what’s in store for them until we put our spin (yours and mine, my darling) on the Mother of All Constitutions To End Constitutions in Fiji- being currently written, as you know, by Shameonme, Khaiyumyum, Antonia and Banana's (who will of course, only read it when it is done) i.e the SKAB constitution. Hah hah hah. That will get up the unionists' nose.

Of course the SKAB constitution will be "rubber" stamped by Ulukau NellyTheCow (no, no, darling, don't think about those "rubbers" that NellyTheCow always carries with him). 

My darling Permanent Secretary of MisInformation (ooh, I hope you ARE going to be permanent), the second Nasty article in The Interpreter stupidly tried to imply that India and China ought to be principled about aid to countries that don't respect human rights, that they should at least respect the interests of Australia and NZ in Fiji; and they should stop supporting our Glorious Leaders Kranky Bananas and KhaiYumYum (I will explain the Indian translation of this when we meet, my darling).

Goodness gracious, what next, I ask you? 

We all know that Australia and NZ they are not the Masters of the Universe even in this little South Pacific backwater, but minions bowing to their Master, The United States of America.

When US's Greatest Leader Bush said “jump” into Iraq, Australia's Lil Jonny Howard jumped (and asked “how high, Sir” on the way up). 

But US also now has a MASTER - The People's Republic of China (ooh, I love that oxymoron - I wonder if we can use it for Fiji?).

Without China, US would have been utterly wrecked and racked (oh I am so onomatopoeic) by the GFC (that’s not Good Fried Chicken, darling, but you knew that), and Australia would also have gone down the dunny. 

Kevin Rudd knew this very well. Poor fellow, he tried to speak Mandarin with the real mandarins, but it did not help him. Hah hah hah - he should have had biscuits, cheese and smoocheroo's with Gina Lionheart, as did Julia GuiltHeart, very sweetly giving the Royal Boot to Rudd.

[In confidence darling, I am also learning a bit of mandarin to negotiate (I mean navigate) with those cuties between O’Reilly’s and Traps on Victoria Parade. [Now, now, don’t get jealous my hot-tempered red-head - you are not available every night for our intellectual tete a tete over a good red). Remember, "East is Red" but the "East" can be better than a "Red", hah hah]

Just how sniveling Australian leaders kowtow to China (what a sweet reversal of roles) was obvious when Car Crash limply (oh dear) agreed with Our Glorious Leader KhaiYumYum that the Cash Ghai Constitution was not all that good, and we should not leave it to the ignorant hoi poloi to modify in the Constituent Assembly. (When will the stupid Fiji people understand -  democracy is NOT about what the PEOPLE want, but what our two Glorious Leaders want.)

Our real Glorious Leader was over the moon for days after the first Car Crash gaffe, until that snooty strutting condescending Madam ShameOnMe, making heaps of money, came out with her Party Poopers’ Decree, forcing even Car Crash to back-track with a bit of pressure from the Australian Union bludgers (don't worry, David Abattoir will skin them soon). 

As for pathetic India, well they really don’t matter do they? They are just trying to catch up on China who has left them in the dust for the last twenty years.  Forget about how many sports medals these "bandy gandhi's" win, but look at how they messed up the tiny Commonwealth Games - not a shadow of the Chinese Olympic Games, was it?

We all know these Indian diplomats are a bunch of idiots who can’t even give you a good red at their cocktails - just a few cheap line Johnny Walkers (Red Label, of course) and some bhajia's and bhooja's, which our little carts in the street do better. 
Anyway, Our Glorious Leader KhaiYumYum, backed by the heroic talibans of ParkKissStern , will soon force India to convert their hopeless ExIm loan into a grant, having thrown a spanner in the FSC works for the last year.

Now where was I, before I was side-tracked?  Oh, my teeny weeny whinge and whine.  

It is about this Lowy Institute woman, Spinning Jenny Wayward-Jones, who ran the articles by this Nasty fellow. Why on earth is Spinning Jenny putting pressure on our Two Glorious Leaders by irritating China and India with this second article?

I thought that you (and Cash TheButt) had sewn her up with that phony TheButt Opinion Poll that showed that Our Glorious Leaders had 105% support throughout Fiji as the most popular Prime Minister and Attorney General ever. 

Our Glorious Leaders even managed to get that independently verified by God's representative on earth (Arch Boozer MutterCa) and by ADB expert John Smarmy who also got some cash from Fiji tax-payers (and there is nothing wrong with that. So do I, and we both know that it does not at all affect my 105% unbiased independence as a Fijian journalist). (I LUV these percentages).

My darling, please, please write very firmly to Spinning Jenny and tell her, NO MORE articles from that Professor Nasty, who thank goodness, has been stopped from poisoning and polluting the young open minds of USP or the Fiji public. What a come down for Nasty to blog on sites NOBODY reads, except you and me, my darling, or where will our lovely bottles of red come from (good heavens, we might have to do a decent day's work). 

With smoocheroo's etc., hoping to put this teeny whinge behind us.

Your dearest Grubby

No comments: