Comic Relief: Shazzer goes to the AG's Conference

Darling Grubby,

I am very concerned that my confidential letters to you are finding their way on to the Internet. I know they are not being leaked at my end so it must be from yours. I know you have said you and the Qorvis black arts guys are on the case but you need to do better. You did manage to close down an impostor’s face book page last week which was a start. But if you are going to hack a website like http://discombobulatedbubu.blogspot.com/ make sure you succeed. You should know better than to leave traces. It also looks pathetic when you contact Google and say a website is being subversive. That’s just weak. Track down the people responsible and we will let Major Ben Neverleaveherealive loose on these terrorists. That’s how you close down a website and a lot of other things.

I told you to keep the plan of our invasion of Britain secret. Somehow the enemy has got wind of our cunning scheme. I promise you Grubby if the leak is traced back to you I will hit you so hard you will have to drink your Pinot through a straw for a month.

The Glorious Leader was further incensed by the Brits. Whilst he was still in London he got a call from their Air Sea Rescue Service. They were wondering if he could give them the approximate date the invasion team would arrive in British Waters so they could be on hand to give them a tow. He was completely humiliated and threw his commemorative model of the Uto Ni Yalo out of the bath.

Did you see Elvis Silvestrini has been booted from bio security.  It is a shame because he was doing a good job there, but he made a big mistake as part of the Cryogenic freezing task force, code name Frozen Bananas.

I think I told you he was getting some freezing equipment from Watties. Well the fool went and ordered the wrong thing and a pea masher was delivered. It was only Madame Nazihat Von Shameonme’s eagle eye that saved the day. She stopped him just before they were going to run the first test on Frankly Bananas’ brain. Luckily she did otherwise we would have had a mushy pea brained dictator as our leader.

We need to get ahead of this issue over removing the Monarch's head from the Fiji dollar. The people are not very happy about it. I think I have found the perfect solution. I was laying in the bath the other night, with a glass of red in one hand and a fag in the other. When it came to me.  We will have pictures of famous legal figures of the Frankly Bananas era on the currency. We can keep it relevant and still keep our royal heritage. We will use the CJ’s head.








That way the people can continue to enjoy having the face of an ageing British Queen on their bank notes; Queen Antonia. Genius Hey! That’s why they pay me the big bucks.

Talking of the CJ, I have seen the Army submission to the Constitution Commission AKA the 2013 Fijian Constitution. They have decided the legal system needs to be shaken up a bit and reflect the realities of the law in Fiji. They are going to start at the top and change some people’s Job titles. The Attorney General title will be changed to Always Guilty. He will still be AG so he can save on his stationery and he won’t have to throw away his Bula shirts with the AG monogram. The CJ will become CJJ. They have looked at his stationary and they can squeeze another J in without too much trouble. CJJ stands for Chief Judge and Jury.

This way, the military believe the people will know that if they are arrested by a soldier or a policeman they have already been found guilty. That being the case there is no reason to have any sort of judicial system except for the AG and the CJJ.

Think of the money we can save. No courts, we can sell those old buildings to the FNPF. No judges, no magistrates, no lawyers, and no legal aid. I have already organized with FRCA that with the money saved they will reduce the duty on fags, red wine and Johnnie Walker Blue Label for the Glorious Leader.

It is the Always Guilty’s Conference today and tomorrow. I managed to get this fine picture of our Glorious Leader and our True Leader waiting for an audience with their Spiritual Guidance Counselor, Her Royal Highness Madam Nazihat Von Shameondtme. 

I originally thought they were in fancy dress but Aiyarse thinks he will get more respect from the military council if he wears a uniform.

In his keynote speech Commodore Frankly Bananas made much of his Government’s protection of women. However, something happened recently which we need to cover up otherwise the country will stop believing our spin. It concerns Major Pacological Luvverboy, the army lawyer who is here at the conference. He was in Traps and started to openly fondle a young Indian girl against her wishes and made her cry. She went to the bouncers and asked them to throw him out.

They said they could not but they did manage to persuade him to leave. She then said she wanted them to call the police and advised her to drop it with the following words. “He could have raped you if he had wanted and we could not have stopped him.” That's bad enough if it were ever to leak out is that there is one law for the military and another for rest of the country. But even worse you would have thought his mother Mrs. Cheeky Luvverboy would have taught her step son to respect women.

Hugs and Kisses

Shazzer

This is to inform the public that this letter is a piece of fiction. However, some of the people and events mentioned are real.

The British Air Sea Rescue Service has contacted their counterparts in Chile to arrange for an airdrop of supplies to the Uto Ni Yalo to stop the crew from dying of Scurvy.

The Always Guilty and the Chief Judge and Jury have decided that a vote against Frankly Bananas in 2014 gets you a life sentence.

Yash Ghai's Treasonous Constitutional Process and initial findings from public submissions

The buffoonery in the development of another constitution, when the 1997 Constitution remains valid and alive continues.

Prof Yash Ghai's report for a constitutional commission meeting with "Fijian Experts" on a meeting of 23 and 24 November 2012 is available here.

Clearly the attempts to validate Bainimarama's "glorious revolution" (including all those hiding behind the veneer of legitimacy away from the public's line of sight) remains in full throttle with Ghai obdurately in the driver's seat of this treasonous farce.

Former Fiji Magistrate Greg Bullard exposes the legal situation in Fiji

Despite the illegal and treasonous regime's white-wash attempts regarding the fate of former magistrate Greg Bullard, it appears that Mr Bullard is not going to leave with his tail between his legs and continues to communicate with legal practitioners as to what really went down.

Naturally this will provide valuable cocktail gossip for legal sorts who will be at the illegal and treasonous Aiyaz Sayed Khaiyum's pretend-AG's Conference.

Detailed below is a recent update from Mr Bullard.

Dear Legal Practitioners of Fiji,
The reasons for my termination were never given by the Attorney General. This may clarify some of the reasons. Some of my observations overlap and cannot properly be delineated into their own sub-heading. Where this occurs, I will put include both parts that“dovetail”.  Parts 1 and 2 fall into this category. 

Part 1.
Resources of the Legal Practitioners Unit (LPU)
During my first week in my role as Head of the LPU, it was clear that the Chief Justice and the Chief Registrar were not interested in adhering to the provision of resources that had been allocated and approved by the Public Service Commission (PSC) in June 2012. The Chief Registrar and Chief Justice were using the allocated staff members for their own purposes. 

The staffing model, as approved by the PSC, allowed for 17 staff. The LPU offices had space for 6. There was close to 1000 open files at this point in time. Many of these complaints that I reviewed could be described as vexatious. They appeared to be unresolved to allow the Chief Justice recourse against the named legal practitioners. There was no other obvious reason that these files were still “open”. 

Of the 17 staff, I did not get to meet half of them. The Chief Registrar, under the direction of the Chief Justice, had them seconded “elsewhere”. The Chief Justice utilised the legal officers for unrelated tasks. Of the existing staff, there were some new starters. After they had received some basic instruction, they were then moved elsewhere within the Judicial Department. There was no consistency. There was no stability. 

The Unit had been allocated 5 legal officers. Two had experience within the unit, whilst  three were new graduates. However, all five were capable and displayed sound legal skills. The three recent graduates were highly intelligent, highly competent and highly motivated. 

Four of the five legal officers were often called away to perform “other tasks”, by the Chief Registrar and the Chief Justice. This was disruptive to say the least. The Chief Registrar controlled staff movement. It became evident within a short period of time, that he was setting the LPU up for failure, by not allowing them to undertake their LPU duties on a full-time basis. 

The LPU also had access to two offices at the ILSC building for use on hearing days. This was not a problem as the Commissioner only attended the ILSC for hearings. We had no choice but to utilise this space to continue in our tasks. This was stopped in my third week by Commissioner Madigan. 

I appreciate that in Fiji things work differently to what I am used to. However, his goes further than mere resources. This to me was a clear undermining of the proper functioning of the LPU by the Chief Justice and the Chief Registrar. Whilst the proper resourcing was seen by the Prime Minister as part of this critical reform, it became clear by the actions of the Chief Registrar and the Chief Justice that they did not share his view. 

I recall a meeting with the Chief Registrar and the Chief Justice. I said words to the effect:

What you are asking me to do is like emptying a swimming pool with a cup, in the rain. I can build a pump. 

Their response was:
We want you to use a cup. 

It was at this point that I felt I had been set up to fail. All of my proposals, both administrative and legal, were ignored.  However, I did provide the Chief Registrar, with a “blue print” of what was required to “build a pump”. I sincerely hope he puts these proposals into action. 

Further, I requested that I be given an instrument of delegation, to save running even basic correspondence to the Chief Registrar for signing. This was a matter of poor practices and “double-handling” that was affecting the efficiency of the unit. The Chief Registrar asked me to draft the instrument. After consultation with the Chief Justice, this request was declined by the Chief Registrar.  It became glaringly obvious, at that stage, that the Chief Justice was the de-facto head of the Legal Practitioners Unit and my role was basically redundant. This “flies in the face” of the discussions that took place between myself and the Chief Justice, prior to me coming to Fiji. It was clear that the role he described to me was never going to eventuate. 

Part 2.
The Secretary of the Independent Legal Services Commission (ILSC)
In my first week on the job, it became clear that we needed to utilise the two offices in the ILSC building as we had insufficient space in the LPU offices to perform our functions and duties, properly.

In my first week, the Secretary of the ILSC, approached myself and two LPU legal officers to inform us that she had matters before the court in the next month. Her concern was that the legal practitioner who was engaged in her matter, had been suspended from practice for five years. She informed us that she had no receipt for monies paid and no bill of costs for work performed. This person (the Secretary of the ILSC) works within the justice system. She has facilitated potential VAT and income tax liability circumvention. A crime in its own right.

I invited her to lodge a complaint with the LPU and informed her that I would send a legal officer to assist her with the drafting of the complaint. I informed her that this would happen within two weeks. She was worried for her own part in the cash payments. I assured her that her willingness to come forward and disclose this fact, would be taken into full account. When two legal officers of the LPU sought to assist her in drafting the complaint she refused. Her verbal complaint to me was noted and ignored by the Chief Registrar. Section 99(2) of the Legal Practitioners Decree 2009, states:
            (2) A complaint under subsection (1) may be made orally or in writing.

The Chief Registrar refused to formalise the oral complaint. Further section 100(1) of the LPD states: 

100.—(1) The Registrar may investigate the conduct of a legal practitioner or a law  firm or any employee or agent of any practitioner or any law firm, if the Registrar has reason to believe that the conduct may amount to professional misconduct or unsatisfactory professional conduct, even though no complaint has been made about the conduct or a complaint made under section 99 by any person or entity has been withdrawn.(emphasis added)

The Chief Registrar refused to invoke his powers under this section.

In my second week on the job (after her initial approach), I approached her to ascertain her willingness to assist the LPU. She informed me that Commissioner Madigan was aware of her potential complaint and the fact that she was the client of the legal practitioner who had recently been before the ILSC, and suspended. This caused me immediate and grave concern, as the Commissioner was clearly conflicted, both as a matter of fact and according to the principles enshrined in the “Code of Conduct” handbook. He should have recused himself from hearing any matter involving this Legal Practitioner.

After this meeting, I received the following letter from Commissioner Madigan. (see attached letter dated 17 October 2012). I had been in the job for 7 days at this point in time.

The letter is a complete fabrication by the Secretary of the ILSC and supported in full by the Commissioner. The conversation involved only myself and the Secretary. There were no witnesses to the conversation.  In the third paragraph of that letter Madigan states: 

I am astonished that you should approach my Secretary with an accusation without my leave…..

Commissioner Madigan acted on unsubstantiated hearsay without first discussing the matter with me, thereby denying me any natural justice and procedural fairness. It is clear that he does not understand these principles of justice. Madigan had carbon copied the letter to the Chief Registrar and the Chief Justice. This is a person who is a High Court judge in Fiji, accepting hearsay as fact. His close working relationship with his Secretary gives rise to a clear conflict of interests.  The irony, in this context, is crushing.

Secondly, we were not in court. I do not comprehend the reason for the Commissioner wanting me to seek his “leave” to speak with a complainant of the LPU.

It was at this stage that I realised my position was untenable. The Chief Registrar and the Chief Justice took no action against the Commissioner. It was clear that I was being “isolated”. However, I do not run from adversity.

Later, I gathered evidence to support a recusal application against the Commissioner from hearing any more of the Legal Practitioners matters, as there was clearly a perception of bias through a conflict of interests. I raised the issue with the Chief Registrar, who said words to the effect:

It makes no difference. Madigan is going to find against him (the Legal Practitioner)   in the stay application. What’s the problem?

This conversation took place prior to the hearing of the Legal Practitioners stay application hearing. None of this excuses the actions of the said Legal Practitioner. However, these matters should be conducted with fairness and transparency to the accused and to safeguard the results, that is preventing grounds for an appeal. These concepts appear to be foreign to the Chief Justice, the Chief Registrar and the Commissioner.

The only legal practitioner in Fiji, whose matters the Commissioner should not preside over, is the very Legal Practitioner, in question. Surely another High Court Judge could have been seconded to preside over this matter. Not according to the Chief Justice. I urged the Chief Justice to speak with the Commissioner and ask him to stand down himself, to save him being embarrassed and humiliated, if the LPU were to make the recusal application.

The Chief Justice refused this proposal and vetoed the LPU from making its own application for recusal. My advice and legal analysis were again rejected by the Chief Justice. I was unable to make any decisions pursuant to transparency, accountability and integrity. This overwhelmingly confirmed that the Chief Justice was running the LPU. The Chief Justice controls the legal profession in Fiji. This is a travesty of justice and a shameless grab for power and control by him.

After the above issues unfolded, I withdrew from receiving any more directions of the Chief Registrar (in effect the Chief Justice). Under the terms of my contract  [clause 2 (b)], I was to accept the directions of the Chief Registrar OR the Permanent Secretary for Justice.

Please note, this clause does not state and/or. Legally speaking, it is one or the other and cannot be both.

In my third week, after it became patently clear that my integrity would be compromised if I received any further direction from the Chief Registrar), I presented at the office of Ms Vuniwaqa, the acting Permanent Secretary for Justice. She did not give me any direction whatsoever. I then wrote to the Prime Minister seeking direction from him as I did not know where I stood.

Prior to my departure on 3 November 2012, the Prime Minister was too busy to see me. I informed him in that letter, that I would return to Fiji and present in his office on 12 November for the purpose of receiving further direction as I could not accept the directives of the Chief Registrar and the Permanent Secretary for Justice refused to direct me.

Upon returning to Fiji on 8 November 2012 (at my own expense as the Chief Registrar had not booked my flights), I was arrested at Nadi Airport by Fiji Airways staff/agents and Immigration officials. I was “escorted” to the Melanesian Hotel, in Nadi, by Fiji Airways staff/agents and placed under guard. I was refused the right to contact anyone by any means. I was held for 21 hours.

As my residency status had not been formalised, I had returned to Fiji as an Australian tourist for a two week stay. I intended to watch the Remembrance Day March (my Grandfather gave his life to defend the South Pacific), see the Prime Minister and return to Sydney. I am now banned for life from entering Fiji. No explanation has been given to me for this arbitrary arrest and detention, by anyone. I can no longer holiday in Fiji with my family as I have been doing for many years. My Fijian friends have been taken from me, courtesy of the Chief Justice.

As the Prime Minister and the Attorney General have not responded to any of my correspondence, I have been forced to seek Australian political intervention to secure the return of my barrister’s blue bag (containing my testamurs, my silks, my bar jacket, my jabot, my wig and my laptop computer and bag containing personal documents (approximately $7000 AUD in value). These items are currently housed in the Prime Minister’s Office. I left these items in that location to prevent them from being confiscated on my departure on 3 November 2012.

Please remember, I have no vested interest in supplying this information. It is impossible for me to return to Fiji in any event. I left without my personal property and my contractual entitlements. However, I left with my integrity and honour in tact, which unlike my personal property are irreplaceable.

No doubt this letter will be sent to a blog site. It is the prerogative of any recipient to do what they will with this correspondence. It has been emailed to legal practitioners in Fiji only. I have done this to preserve my undertaking that what happens in Fiji stays in Fiji. These observations, which are gleaned from my role as Head of the LPU are for Fijian eyes only, so you are acutely aware of what is happening in your justice system, if you are not already. They do not form part of the information provided to politicians in Australia.

I expect a great deal of criticism from bloggers. That is fine. I would fight tooth and nail to protect such persons rights to express their views. I have come to appreciate freedom of speech in a more profound way in recent weeks. I would fight to preserve the right for any person to verbally attack this correspondence. We should all enjoy the right to express our views, provided such expressions are objective and lacking in personal and subjective abuse.

Conclusion:
The AG comes in for a lot of criticism. However, a “politician” is only as good as his legal counsel. The Chief Justice is that counsel. Any derision people have for the AG deserves to be levelled at the Chief Justice in equal portion.

In Australia, oversight and the investigative functions thereof,  are often conducted by interstate and expatriated persons. This is done to preserve accountability, transparency and integrity. However, as I discovered in my short stint, Fiji has some highly talented lawyers. There is no need for expatriated judicial officers in Fiji. Those days are over. It appears that those remaining have nowhere else to go and are taking draconian steps to make themselves and their friends, immovable.

Gates and Madigan were the only “jungle bunnies” I encountered in Fiji. It remains to be seen if anyone has the will to stop him.  I will consider my next correspondence (if any) in due course. There are more events that need to be brought under the spotlight of scrutiny.  Gates and Madigan should be brought to account.

All it takes for evil to flourish is good men to stand by and do nothing.

Greg Bullard
Former Head of the LPU

Comic Relief: Shazzer to Grubby [03 December 2012]

Darling Grubby,

I want you to take a tip from your fellow blogging whore, Crazy Welsh. He had a very good response to a test comment I made about that Greg Bullard magistrate. “I am confident the Fiji judiciary does not bow to state pressure. This has been demonstrated by the number of cases that have gone against the state. I did not discuss Greg with the AG and have chosen, for Greg's sake, not to comment on the issue. This is my prerogative. Please respect it and ask no more.”

That, dear Grubby, is the perfect way to answer an impertinent question and the one I expect from all my paid up propagandists. I have sent Crazy a letter of thanks and I have put his name forward to receive a commemorative medal from our Glorious Leader. He will receive a BRA (Bananas Republic Award) in the Glorious Leader’s New Years dishonors list.

I have a little job for you. Madam Nazihat Von Shameonme has written a very interesting (Yawn) treatise on why dictators like to build roads. I did not manage to get past the 1^st paragraph but Frankly Bananas thinks that his people need to read her theory. You need to turn it into a suitable piece for the Fiji SUNk.

It bangs on about how Hitler rebuilt the German economy by building the Autobahns in the 1930s. It then draws a comparison to our modern day Hitler and his wish to build roads at any price. The important thing about road building in a dictatorship is it provides perfect opportunities for telling the people about the Glorious Leaders greatness. To honor his name, all the new roads will be known as Autobahnanas. Apparently he had a long conversation with Kim Jong-un, the Chairman of GOD, (The Group of Dictators) on this issue and Mark Rudge has been granted extra budget to build statues of our Glorious Leader precisely 6.2km along every road. I am told that is the average walking pace of a North Korean and so they get to see at least one giant bust every hour.

Our Glorious Leader is beginning to believe our PR. He has decided that the people of Fiji will suffer if he dies. And between you and me, he does not trust anyone to take over from him. So he has put together a task force to look at cryogenically freezing himself so that he can be brought back from the dead. He plans to rule Fiji for 1,000 years. That is a long time when you think 1 Fiji Time Year is worth 7 Aussie years.

Madam Nazihat, as his chief advisor, will be heading up this vital task force and she has roped in Elvis of Bio Security. Apparently the Glorious Leader felt Elvis was highly qualified because another Elvis has been spotted all over the world and even on the moon after his death.

The really difficult part about freezing somebody is getting the brain cold enough quickly enough. Elvis has got some technology that Watties use for freezing vegetables which should work as a pea is the same size as the Glorious Leader’s brain.

Commodore Frankly Bananas is currently in a rage. Just at the moment he should be congranulating, (get the joke my sweet) himself on being voted in as Chairman of the International Sugar Organization the stupid little Prime Minister of Great Britain decided to ban the Glorious Leader from all British Military bases. Our Glorious Leader had just arrived at Aldershot barracks to meet his daughters when an interfering old brigadier turned up and asked him to leave. The Glorious Leader stood his ground until a large tank appeared.

As soon as he got back to London he was on the phone to Thickoitoga, the land force Commander. He has ordered an invasion of Great Britain immediately.

He has formulated a cunning plan. If I tell you, Grubby, it must be kept confidential. You must promise me you won’t get all blabby after you have glubbed your 3^rd bottle of red on a Friday afternoon.

Thickoitoga has commandeered the Uto Ni Yalu, as it is the only vessel in Walu Bay that can possibly reach London. They have conscripted Manoverboard Rasigatale to lead the expedition. If they are stopped at any point by the Royal Navy they will explain they have been following a Bull Shark from the Rewa Delta all the way to the river Thames.

Once they reach London in 2014, they plan on raiding the Bank of England and swapping all the pound notes they can find. They will remove the Queen’s head and replace it with Flora and Fauna of Fiji. The picture of our pea brained leader will represent Flora and my picture will represent Fawner.

I can tell you the boys in green worked all night to come up with this plan. After 29 tanoas, a new record in a strategic planning meeting, they decided this plan was foolproof and it would be the perfect way to commemorate the Glorious Leader’s election in 2014.

My daughter came home from school the other day singing a new song.

Frankly has only got one ball
Shazzer has 2 but they’re  quite small
While Ask wears a frilly basque
And Grubby has no balls at all

She then said to me. “Mummy I did not think girls had balls.”

“Normally they don’t” I replied “But as neither Crazy nor Grubby have a testicle between them Mummy has had to grow a pair.”

I apologize Grubby I told you off a few weeks ago about being late with the rewrite for the army constitutional submission. There has been a change of plan. The True leader, Aiyarse,  no longer expects Cash Guy to deliver the constitution he ordered.

So it has been decided the military will deliver their submission directly to the Constituent Assembly. Where upon the assembly will say it is much better than Cash Guy’s and it will become the new constitution. Apparently it is one of Madam Nazihat Von Shameonme’s finer works and it will guarantee that the Glorious Leader will be able to rule for a thousand years. There is a whole section that reads like a Fischer and Paykel manual for freezers.

Hugs and Kisses

Shazzer

This is to inform the public that this letter is a piece of fiction. However, some of the people and events mentioned are real.

It is expected the Uto Ni Yalu will take 18 months to reach the coast of Britain. During that time the 10 soldiers will have run out of rations 12 months earlier. That is Strategic Command planning for you.

Nazihat Von Shameonme is available, for a small fee, to give live readings of her new constitution at parties, weddings in fact any function except Bar mitzvahs.