December 03, 2012

Comic Relief: Shazzer to Grubby [03 December 2012]

Darling Grubby,

I want you to take a tip from your fellow blogging whore, Crazy Welsh. He had a very good response to a test comment I made about that Greg Bullard magistrate. “I am confident the Fiji judiciary does not bow to state pressure. This has been demonstrated by the number of cases that have gone against the state. I did not discuss Greg with the AG and have chosen, for Greg's sake, not to comment on the issue. This is my prerogative. Please respect it and ask no more.”

That, dear Grubby, is the perfect way to answer an impertinent question and the one I expect from all my paid up propagandists. I have sent Crazy a letter of thanks and I have put his name forward to receive a commemorative medal from our Glorious Leader. He will receive a BRA (Bananas Republic Award) in the Glorious Leader’s New Years dishonors list.

I have a little job for you. Madam Nazihat Von Shameonme has written a very interesting (Yawn) treatise on why dictators like to build roads. I did not manage to get past the 1st paragraph but Frankly Bananas thinks that his people need to read her theory. You need to turn it into a suitable piece for the Fiji SUNk.

It bangs on about how Hitler rebuilt the German economy by building the Autobahns in the 1930s. It then draws a comparison to our modern day Hitler and his wish to build roads at any price. The important thing about road building in a dictatorship is it provides perfect opportunities for telling the people about the Glorious Leaders greatness. To honor his name, all the new roads will be known as Autobahnanas. Apparently he had a long conversation with Kim Jong-un, the Chairman of GOD, (The Group of Dictators) on this issue and Mark Rudge has been granted extra budget to build statues of our Glorious Leader precisely 6.2km along every road. I am told that is the average walking pace of a North Korean and so they get to see at least one giant bust every hour.

Our Glorious Leader is beginning to believe our PR. He has decided that the people of Fiji will suffer if he dies. And between you and me, he does not trust anyone to take over from him. So he has put together a task force to look at cryogenically freezing himself so that he can be brought back from the dead. He plans to rule Fiji for 1,000 years. That is a long time when you think 1 Fiji Time Year is worth 7 Aussie years.

Madam Nazihat, as his chief advisor, will be heading up this vital task force and she has roped in Elvis of Bio Security. Apparently the Glorious Leader felt Elvis was highly qualified because another Elvis has been spotted all over the world and even on the moon after his death.

The really difficult part about freezing somebody is getting the brain cold enough quickly enough. Elvis has got some technology that Watties use for freezing vegetables which should work as a pea is the same size as the Glorious Leader’s brain.

Commodore Frankly Bananas is currently in a rage. Just at the moment he should be congranulating, (get the joke my sweet) himself on being voted in as Chairman of the International Sugar Organization the stupid little Prime Minister of Great Britain decided to ban the Glorious Leader from all British Military bases. Our Glorious Leader had just arrived at Aldershot barracks to meet his daughters when an interfering old brigadier turned up and asked him to leave. The Glorious Leader stood his ground until a large tank appeared.

As soon as he got back to London he was on the phone to Thickoitoga, the land force Commander. He has ordered an invasion of Great Britain immediately.

He has formulated a cunning plan. If I tell you, Grubby, it must be kept confidential. You must promise me you won’t get all blabby after you have glubbed your 3rd bottle of red on a Friday afternoon.

Thickoitoga has commandeered the Uto Ni Yalu, as it is the only vessel in Walu Bay that can possibly reach London. They have conscripted Manoverboard Rasigatale to lead the expedition. If they are stopped at any point by the Royal Navy they will explain they have been following a Bull Shark from the Rewa Delta all the way to the river Thames.

Once they reach London in 2014, they plan on raiding the Bank of England and swapping all the pound notes they can find. They will remove the Queen’s head and replace it with Flora and Fauna of Fiji. The picture of our pea brained leader will represent Flora and my picture will represent Fawner.

I can tell you the boys in green worked all night to come up with this plan. After 29 tanoas, a new record in a strategic planning meeting, they decided this plan was foolproof and it would be the perfect way to commemorate the Glorious Leader’s election in 2014.

My daughter came home from school the other day singing a new song.

Frankly has only got one ball
Shazzer has 2 but they’re  quite small
While Ask wears a frilly basque
And Grubby has no balls at all

She then said to me. “Mummy I did not think girls had balls.”

“Normally they don’t” I replied “But as neither Crazy nor Grubby have a testicle between them Mummy has had to grow a pair.”

I apologize Grubby I told you off a few weeks ago about being late with the rewrite for the army constitutional submission. There has been a change of plan. The True leader, Aiyarse,  no longer expects Cash Guy to deliver the constitution he ordered.

So it has been decided the military will deliver their submission directly to the Constituent Assembly. Where upon the assembly will say it is much better than Cash Guy’s and it will become the new constitution. Apparently it is one of Madam Nazihat Von Shameonme’s finer works and it will guarantee that the Glorious Leader will be able to rule for a thousand years. There is a whole section that reads like a Fischer and Paykel manual for freezers.

Hugs and Kisses


This is to inform the public that this letter is a piece of fiction. However, some of the people and events mentioned are real.

It is expected the Uto Ni Yalu will take 18 months to reach the coast of Britain. During that time the 10 soldiers will have run out of rations 12 months earlier. That is Strategic Command planning for you.

Nazihat Von Shameonme is available, for a small fee, to give live readings of her new constitution at parties, weddings in fact any function except Bar mitzvahs.

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