December 07, 2012

Comic Relief: Shazzer goes to the AG's Conference

Darling Grubby,

I am very concerned that my confidential letters to you are finding their way on to the Internet. I know they are not being leaked at my end so it must be from yours. I know you have said you and the Qorvis black arts guys are on the case but you need to do better. You did manage to close down an impostor’s face book page last week which was a start. But if you are going to hack a website like make sure you succeed. You should know better than to leave traces. It also looks pathetic when you contact Google and say a website is being subversive. That’s just weak. Track down the people responsible and we will let Major Ben Neverleaveherealive loose on these terrorists. That’s how you close down a website and a lot of other things.

I told you to keep the plan of our invasion of Britain secret. Somehow the enemy has got wind of our cunning scheme. I promise you Grubby if the leak is traced back to you I will hit you so hard you will have to drink your Pinot through a straw for a month.

The Glorious Leader was further incensed by the Brits. Whilst he was still in London he got a call from their Air Sea Rescue Service. They were wondering if he could give them the approximate date the invasion team would arrive in British Waters so they could be on hand to give them a tow. He was completely humiliated and threw his commemorative model of the Uto Ni Yalo out of the bath.

Did you see Elvis Silvestrini has been booted from bio security.  It is a shame because he was doing a good job there, but he made a big mistake as part of the Cryogenic freezing task force, code name Frozen Bananas.

I think I told you he was getting some freezing equipment from Watties. Well the fool went and ordered the wrong thing and a pea masher was delivered. It was only Madame Nazihat Von Shameonme’s eagle eye that saved the day. She stopped him just before they were going to run the first test on Frankly Bananas’ brain. Luckily she did otherwise we would have had a mushy pea brained dictator as our leader.

We need to get ahead of this issue over removing the Monarch's head from the Fiji dollar. The people are not very happy about it. I think I have found the perfect solution. I was laying in the bath the other night, with a glass of red in one hand and a fag in the other. When it came to me.  We will have pictures of famous legal figures of the Frankly Bananas era on the currency. We can keep it relevant and still keep our royal heritage. We will use the CJ’s head.

That way the people can continue to enjoy having the face of an ageing British Queen on their bank notes; Queen Antonia. Genius Hey! That’s why they pay me the big bucks.

Talking of the CJ, I have seen the Army submission to the Constitution Commission AKA the 2013 Fijian Constitution. They have decided the legal system needs to be shaken up a bit and reflect the realities of the law in Fiji. They are going to start at the top and change some people’s Job titles. The Attorney General title will be changed to Always Guilty. He will still be AG so he can save on his stationery and he won’t have to throw away his Bula shirts with the AG monogram. The CJ will become CJJ. They have looked at his stationary and they can squeeze another J in without too much trouble. CJJ stands for Chief Judge and Jury.

This way, the military believe the people will know that if they are arrested by a soldier or a policeman they have already been found guilty. That being the case there is no reason to have any sort of judicial system except for the AG and the CJJ.

Think of the money we can save. No courts, we can sell those old buildings to the FNPF. No judges, no magistrates, no lawyers, and no legal aid. I have already organized with FRCA that with the money saved they will reduce the duty on fags, red wine and Johnnie Walker Blue Label for the Glorious Leader.

It is the Always Guilty’s Conference today and tomorrow. I managed to get this fine picture of our Glorious Leader and our True Leader waiting for an audience with their Spiritual Guidance Counselor, Her Royal Highness Madam Nazihat Von Shameondtme. 

I originally thought they were in fancy dress but Aiyarse thinks he will get more respect from the military council if he wears a uniform.

In his keynote speech Commodore Frankly Bananas made much of his Government’s protection of women. However, something happened recently which we need to cover up otherwise the country will stop believing our spin. It concerns Major Pacological Luvverboy, the army lawyer who is here at the conference. He was in Traps and started to openly fondle a young Indian girl against her wishes and made her cry. She went to the bouncers and asked them to throw him out.

They said they could not but they did manage to persuade him to leave. She then said she wanted them to call the police and advised her to drop it with the following words. “He could have raped you if he had wanted and we could not have stopped him.” That's bad enough if it were ever to leak out is that there is one law for the military and another for rest of the country. But even worse you would have thought his mother Mrs. Cheeky Luvverboy would have taught her step son to respect women.

Hugs and Kisses


This is to inform the public that this letter is a piece of fiction. However, some of the people and events mentioned are real.

The British Air Sea Rescue Service has contacted their counterparts in Chile to arrange for an airdrop of supplies to the Uto Ni Yalo to stop the crew from dying of Scurvy.

The Always Guilty and the Chief Judge and Jury have decided that a vote against Frankly Bananas in 2014 gets you a life sentence.

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