Otto Limmput: Frankie Bananas’ Week 14th January 2012 (Satire)

Dear Dairy, (Ever since Aunty Nur creamed (do you get it) off all that money from Rewa Dairy I keep I can’t spell Diary. Aunty Nur looks like all the other cows at the Diary.)

Anyhow where were we?

Dear Diary,

My friend, Tina from Qorvis, told me she would make me the most popular man in Fiji. Basically the way this goes I will make all the big announcements and then if there is a problem, I leave the country pretty damn quick and leave it to Lickmyarse to take all the blame. Apparently as I get more popular Lickmyarse gets more unpopular so he will never be able to be my rival. He is clever though, He can explain things.

So to make me popular I announced I was going to end PER. Everybody loved me. Even that horrid woman from Australia Julia Gullible said I was making a step in the right direction. Little did she know I didn’t mean it.

Just before I removed PER I announced the Public Order Act Amendment Decree. That was fun everybody got all angry with me because it was the same as PER but we changed a few letters. Immediately after I announced it, I kept quiet and let Lickmyarse speak to the media and answer their questions. He is good he can answer questions. Me, I can read what he writes so long as he uses big letters and they are not joined up. But when they ask questions I get confused. That was one of the reasons for censorship so the media couldn’t ask me questions and make me look stupid. Do you know the American ambassador once told me I reminded him of George Dubwa Bush that was nice of him wasn’t it.

The other thing Tina helped me with over New Year was the Fiji TV poll. When my insider in Fiji TV told me I was coming second to some nitwit Indian woman, we came up with this plan which would get me voted the winner.

I told all the boys in camp vote for me and I would give them a pay rise. Some were a bit over enthusiastic and voted more than 20 times but that sort of loyalty does get rewarded.

Anyway Fiji TV spotted the obvious vote rigging and pulled the plug. But never fear that does not stop me or Lickmyarse. We quickly made up a new rule that Fiji TV had broken and them took them to the New Media Authority.

We realize now that we will need to make an amendment to the Public Order Amendment Act Decree. We shall decree that I must win every poll in Fiji from now on.

I wonder what I will say when I win the forthcoming vote for Women’s Beach Volley Ball Player of the year.

Anyway I have to fly to Abu Dhabi now. Tina told me it is time to leave before the Shit hits the fan. I am going to some conference about renewable energy. I don’t care what it’s about because now Tina is with me she makes sure I am properly looked after wherever I go. This time I have asked for a crate of Johnnie Walker. But I have stamped my feet and said I want all the black and the red ones removed because I only like the Blue ones.

I got a call from the Police commissioner Ioane NoValourHere. He told me that some land owners in Namosi are trying to stop the mine. Don’t they understand what MINE means. It’s mine not theirs. So that means I am the landowner and they can stay in the village for as long as I will let them. But that’s not for long because their village is where NoMore mountainCrest want to put the waste pipe.

Got to dash Mary is calling me. She has finished doing her duty free shopping at Nadi and we have held up the plane for long enough. I don’t know why she was doing shopping in Nadi when we can shop at Hong Kong, Abu Dhabi, Korea. - Note to self: make sure Mary and me are exempt from the new Credit Card Tax.