Otto Limmput: Bainimarama's draft speech from 6th January 2012 (Satire)

An insider was able to give me Bainimarama’s draft of his speech dated 6^th January. His draft was then sent to Qorvis who turned it into the speech we all heard on Friday 6^th. Bainimarama’s draft paints a truer picture of the situation in Fiji.

My humble servants: As I told you in my New Year’s address the Public Emergency regulations will be lifted tomorrow. Now I will tell you what will really happen; I did not want to tell you before because I did not want to ruin the good will on the first day of 2012.

This marks an important step toward the informing, you my humble servants, about the new constitution under which a truly democratic election will vote me in as President and Khaiyum, He is the one with his hand up my arse, as Prime Minister.

No modern state, especially one created by an act of terror wishes terror upon itself. I am sure you understand, my humble servants, that it is important for the well being of my family that I take a lead from countries such as Saudi Arabia, Yemen, Equatorial Guinea and Bahrain to name a few of Qorvis’s more enlightened truly democratic clients.

In Fiji we have experienced terrorism. I should know because I was the ring leader. Qarase will never forget the terror of having armed soldiers at his door. President Iloilo would always shake when he signed any document I asked him to sign.

We must never allow this to happen again because that would remove me from power. Therefore I will crack down on anyone who threatens my authority and my wife’s shopping trips.

In the UK a person can be detained for 14 days on suspicion of terrorism. My friend Robert Mugabe tells me that is nothing and he can detain people for as long as he wants. Now that’s sensible. He has been a dictator as long as anybody and he knows what he is doing. The USA has Guantanamo Bay and detains all terrorists offshore. That is a great idea and we are going to close Rotuma to all civilians and turn it into a massive detention centre.

Mugabe also tells me that any vilification of the Zimbabwe’s Supreme ruler and family even on the internet has been criminalized. Any blog site that shows another picture of me and my son in the back of a limo will be exterminated. I have found the people who hacked the Government website this week and they are now working for me at the high speed internet cell at Naboro.

We have had such safeguards in Fiji under the PER. However, I removed it in a shameless attempt to garner international support and to pretend we will have consultations on democracy. However as my puppet master informed me we need to ensure that MY rights are protected and so we have updated the Public Order Act.

Over the past few years I have brought in a number of changes. We have sought to empower my family and modernize us. Well at least all my grand children have iPads and I have an iPhone. My new friend Kim Jong-un, the Supreme Commander of North Korea gave me a new app for my iPhone for Christmas. It is called iDictate and a lot of the new Public Order Act came directly from the App. (Note to self. Make me Supreme Commander at first available opportunity)

My Government has been very successful and we have achieved an overall decrease in the crime rate because nothing that I, my ministers and members of the military do can be a crime. 

Under past governments corruption prevailed and the economy was mismanaged. (Apparently they had something called economic growth, I have no idea what that is) But anyway the problem with their corruption was that it did not include me, Khaiyum or Aunty Nur. I feel sorry for Aunty Nur because she is so ugly and she says she needs all this money for major plastic surgery. She was given a quote the other day and it will cost over $10m USD to make her into a decent looking woman.

Now my Government, with the help of corruption and has made sure that all the money coming into Fiji goes through Aunty Nur and Khaiyum. They then give me a cut he tells me it is the biggest cut because I am the dictator and I trust everything Lickmyarse says.

Over the past few years here is a list of my Governments achievements.

1. Implementation of a common and equal citizenry – We have all read Animal Farm and some citizens, namely myself are more equal than others.
2. Outlaw of institutionalized racism and other discriminatory practices – Just look at the military, we are an institution, we have racism and we are outlawed by the rest of the world.
3. Codifying equal rights for women – Aunty Nur gets an equal share
4. Creation of FICAC – That’s a godsend for making sure all the corruption comes my way. If you don’t send the cash to my Swiss bank account then you go to Prison.
5. Creation of the Independent Legal Services Commission – That is answerable to Khaiyum
6. Instituting a Child Welfare Decree – If I had not increased poverty we would not have needed this.
7. Putting in place a new Crimes Decree – That gives me total control
8. Creating a transparent and sustainable provident fund – Well I will have a pension that will keep me and Mary in the way  we have become accustomed
9. Equal distribution of land lease monies – Half for all the owners and half for me
10. And Restructured Fiji Sugar Corporation and the Sugar industry – Vaniqi tells me we have had a run of record years. He said “Lowest production ever”
11. Getting better returns for landowners and providing security for tenants – As Khaiyum and I are now the biggest landowners it is imperative we get bigger returns and also we need to make sure our Chinese tenants are well looked after.

Under me Fiji has managed to do great things and these include:

1. We have made unprecedented investment in technology and communications. How else do you think we read all emails and listen to those Vodafone mobile calls?
2. We have invested greatly in rural areas. My new farms are doing very well and supplying food to my new mines.
3. We have increased poverty so more people need free food, textbooks etc.
4. We have increased our diplomatic ties, especially with those countries whose concept of democracy is as flawed as my own.
5. We have brokered many successful partnerships. Aunty Nur with Rewa Dairy, Aunty Nur, with 100 sands Casino, Aunty Nur with…. She is good about sharing the wealth
6. We have given impetus to the private sector – And that is why they are all investing overseas
7. We have been able to cut taxes  – I have found that if you keep the money offshore in Switzerland or the Caymans you don’t pay tax at all.

But none of this could have been successful if the normal checks and balances of a democratic system had been in place.

We would not have been able to move forward if democracy had kept us in the past. The freedom blogs have not seen the light and with my new iDictate app they will be destroyed.

There is nothing more I want than a Fiji which has me as Supreme Commander for life…..

Unfortunately the rest of the speech was unreadable as there was a large Johnny Walker Blue Label stain.