November 23, 2012

Comic Relief: Shazzer responds to Grubby

Darling Grubbers.

ENOUGH ENOUGH ENOUGH!!!! If I hear you whinge once more about Professor Edge I swear I will get your Fiji passport revoked and never let you come back to Fiji ever again. For 2 months we have nothing of any use or interest on your blogsite. You then stop writing for 2 weeks, I wrongly assumed you were doing some investigative piece on how Commodore Bananas is in fact the rightful King of Fiji. Instead you produce 5 articles on Professor Edge in as many days.

You have become obsessed with the poor professor and it seems to me he has pushed you over the edge. Now I say this once more enough is enough and if you write another thing you are toast.

In fact I am fed up of with all you literary parasites of the regime. I asked Crazy Welsh to send me a positive story to write on this week and lazy SOB could not be bothered to send me anything. I know there are not that many positive stories out there at the moment but you would think that after we gave him a free holiday in the tropical paradise of Fiji the least he could do is come up with a at least one good news story. I have got a good mind to fly to NZ and shove his ivory tower where the sun does not shine.

In fact I am pissed off with all men at the moment you are all f***ing useless. Even our Glorious leader has been very needy recently. We wanted to make a good impression with the budget and we had put Commodore Bananas through an intensive Qorvis media training session. He had never used an Autocue before and so he needed a lot of help. The trainer was very positive but told me in private that the word speed of the Autocue was running at its slowest setting normally reserved for 1st year primary school kids.

To be honest he did pretty well but he still struggles with the longer words, as you know. I had to sit in the front row directly behind the auto cue and mouth all of the long words for him; he would copy my mouth movements and get the words out almost correctly. He did give his most fluent speech of all time but it looked as if I was muttering to myself the whole time. The French Ambassador was sitting next to me and he was giving me funny looks. I have never seen anyone get out of his seat so fast at the end of a speech. He obviously thought I should be sent to St. Giles.

We made one mistake and that was not to put the National Anthem on the Autocue. You would have thought the Glorious Leader would at least have learnt the words but obviously not and he looked a real retard trying to sing along and remember the words at the same time. I asked him about it afterwards and he said “what was the point? As soon as the Constituent Assembly proclaims him leader for life the anthem will change.” He then told me he was having a go at writing the new one but he could not think of a word that rhymed with Bananas.

By the way Grubby when the invite says business attire I do not want you turning up in a blue bula shirt again. It looks well, grubby next to all those smart suited businessmen. Did you see those 3 colonels sitting in a row? Now they looked smart. I was sexting with Qilio all the way through the boring bits.

I have spent most of this week keeping stories out of the media. Working as hard as ever, Not. It is a pretty easy job when you control the media.

We have had another example this week of why the military can’t run a thing. What’s that phrase the soldiers use “Can’t run a target practice in a rifle range”.

It was decided that the Flying Fijians would perform better with a military man in charge. So we sent Major Rocky along as manager. He has a reputation for being able to whip people into shape in minutes. Literally!

He was in charge of the boys and they were not performing well and so he tried a bit of QEB discipline on them.

He remembered what had worked really well with Ken Zinc. So he ordered them to run around the field. They just laughed and set off at a sprint leaving poor little Rocky far behind. They ran around the field a few times and then disappeared. He chased after them but he is not very fit. He finally caught up with them at a cozy pub in Gloucester as they were on their third beer.

He was spitting with rage and he went up to the first player, who happened to be Leone Nakawara, the lock. Standing on tip toe he and looking up he said “I am going to knock the S**t out of you!!” Nakawara just laughed and patted him on the head and ordered another beer. Poor Rocky he was so humiliated and vowed he would get his revenge.

So the next night after the defeat to Gloucester he got in the team bus and ordered it back to the hotel with only a few players on board. He would make the other players walk back to the hotel in the rain that would show them who was boss. Unfortunately his plan went wrong as the team all got lifts in the cars of the Fiji supporters and taken to the another pub for a jolly party without Rocky’s interference.

One bit of good news for the Glorious Leader and the True Leader is the new deal they have done on Mahogany. It is going to bring them millions of dollars each and better still they will be paid in US dollars straight to their accounts in the Dominican Republic. They have given all the Mahogany rights to 2 American Companies: SMI (Steal Mahogany from the Itaukei) and Forcedsaleofland.

Your boss Rex from Qorvis gave me a present the other day. It is a new camera they developed especially for the US Presidential Elections. It captures the subject’s thoughts as well as their image when you take a picture, I took this picture of Frankie Reid the US ambassador and Commodore Bananas at the SMI launch this week.

 Inline images 1

I have not dared show it to the Glorious Leader!

I have also had to keep a lot of other stories out of the news. Such as the ILO saying we have reached the top 5 in Workers rights abuses.

Fiji’s Shortest ever serving Magistrate, Greg Bullard lasted a month before he realized there was no justice to be had in this country and so he resigned.

Luckily for us he gave his evidence to the True Leader, Aiyarse. He of course immediately put it into the shredder and told Bullard. If you ever want to leave Fiji you better sign this non disclosure agreement.

I hate Aussies like him they make it so much harder for the rest of us. You and I Grubby, we had to work for years for free and become Fijians before the Dictator would let us jump on the gravy train. He comes along and is hired immediately and then he walks off in a sulk after less than a month. Honestly what sort of justice did he expect to find in a dictatorship?

One bit of good news was we got readmitted into the negotiations for the PACP. It actually means nothing because we have always been part of the ACP. However, now we will be able to have a chat with our island neighbours before the True Leader next jets off to Europe.

The PNG government paid for an Air Pacific Plane to fly the Glorious Leader and his entourage to Port Moresby. When they came here they brought some Government Ministers and about 100 businessmen. They thought the Glorious Leader would do something similar. Instead Commodore Bananas flies to PNG with 42 people on board. He takes Kubbumbollocks 2 civil servants and the remaining 38 passengers are his security detail. The other heads of state all thought this was stupid and were laughing about him behind his back. One of the jokes doing the rounds was this one,

What do you call a nun sitting on Commodore Bananas?
Virgin on the Ridiculous

Hugs and kisses


This is to inform the public that this letter is a piece of fiction. However, some of the people and events mentioned are real.

Frankie Reid is a professional diplomat and unfortunately the dictator lives to rule his people for another 1,000 years

FijICTION of the week: What are we promising? A Government that works for all Fijians.” Said Commodore Bananas.

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