December 21, 2012

Comic Relief: Cyclone Evan Damage Assessment

Darling Grubby,

You were very wise to weather the storm in Sydney. It’s much easier to cope with a natural disaster watching it on TV with a remote in one hand and a Goblet of red in the other. Actually the TV news coverage was very poor. About the best it got was people posting pictures of bending palm trees shot with their i Phones.  Due to the risk analysis you did on the Ministry of Information, I was not allowed to send any of my staff out to get some good pictures.

Still they made up for it on Tuesday with some great shots of me and the True Leader, Aiyarse, as we did a damage assessment tour. He called me that morning, a bit too early if you ask me, to invite me on the trip. He told me there was a spare seat as the Glorious Leader, Frankly Bananas, was too scared to fly in a helicopter. (I don’t believe the courageous commodore is scared of anything. He probably does not like helicopters because they do not have 1st Class seats and Blue Label whiskey on tap) I of course said yes. I was really pleased it was sunny because I needed to wear my really big sunglasses. I was not looking my best because I had a bit of a session on Monday. I worked really hard on Sunday and made some pre-recorded messages urging everyone to get ready for the cyclone and then get ready for a storm surge. No one was in the office on Monday so I just went home and got stuck in. I had ordered an expensive mixed case of red wine from Victorias Secret, No I mean Victoria Wine. You will be able to open your Victorias Secret Stocking when we meet over Christmas. Anyway I put up the hurricane shutters, closed the blinds and started with a nice light Pinot Noir. As the day wore on and it got darker and windier I moved to a meaty Cab Sav and then finished off with a pretty heavy Shiraz. I was so pooped by the end I thought I was saying Shiraz but my daughter gave me a funny look and asked “Why are you saying that’s a really heavy Shazzer?”

Sorry this letter keeps meandering. I think I am still hung over from all that wine. I managed to drive to the camp where Aiyarse and I got on the chopper. We flew to the Mamanucas to assess the damage on the resorts. Some Captain in the engineers asked me what qualifications I had to make damage assessments. I gave him my killer look and stalked off. Made a phone call to my BFF Colonel Thickoitoga and before we had left Suva air space the impudent officer had his epaulets ripped off and was back in the ranks.

We had a look at a few resorts and villages on the islands. It was very helpful because Aiyarse and I were wondering where to spend Christmas. We decided on Mana Island because that had the least damage to the presidential suite. That’s why everyone is smiling in this picture because they are so excited we will be back for Christmas. I felt like the First Lady I can tell you. Everywhere we went there were crowds of smiling faces to greet us as we stepped off the helicopter. The smiles soon disappeared though as they realized all we had brought was a camera crew and no essential supplies.

One rude and sullen native even had the gall to ask me what was the point of coming, if we were only taking pictures. I told him it was important for people back in Suva to see how the people were coping with the disaster. I asked him to smile at the camera to show courage in the face of adversity. He said “Magaitinana luveni kawa ni butabutako” and then told me to F*** off from his island and never come back. I was upset and in tears and I asked the manager of the resort to sack him. The manager groveled suitably and said he could not as that man was the chief from the local village and his land owner. The sooner Aiyarse has his way and takes all the land from the natives the better for all us Frankly Bananas supporters. By the way I think I have spotted the perfect secluded bay for our secret love nest and if you agree I am sure I will have freehold title before the New Year.

I have to say your flowery contribution to the military submission to the Constitutional Commission was markedly different from the normal concise military style. I thought your introduction was fantastic. “There is a sigh of happiness and a stream of sorrow amongst us as we recall the sacrifices made by numerous Fijians and members of the Armed Forces in their endeavors to achieve this milestone.  Lives were sacrificed by our brothers and sisters at arms in an effort to steer Fiji on a new course, to happy and prosperous times, towards a better Fiji.” Grubby, only you could have made all those butch soldiers sound so gay.

Talking of gay soldiers Major Ben NeverLeaveHereAlive, the torturer in chief, has asked for some new equipment. He wants to fix a dildo to his rifle instead of a bayonet. He says it is better for when he wants to anally abuse prisoners. The commodore has given him the OK and a crack team of POOFTAs (Purchasing Officers Only Field Trip - Asia) are prancing their way to the red light district of Seoul to test the most suitable models for size.

Did you hear about Ana Takeaway at the Style Fiji Fashion Show in Nadi. I know you know who she is because you are always staring at her with your tongue hanging out whenever she walks by on her sexy little heels. She works for Her Royal Highness Madam Nazihat Von Shameonme. She was either very drunk or was making a political statement, I am not sure which. She went to the smartest table and sat on RearArse Khaiyum’s lap (I feel sorry for the boy, what parent gives a child a tautological first name). She lolled around in a very drunken manner and he being the gentleman he is not gave her a great big shove on the backside. She fell on to Aunty Nur and in a bid to stop herself falling to ground, she grabbed Auntie’s pearl necklace. It could not take the strain, broke and the pearls went everywhere. What’s that saying about casting pearls before swine.

As I said she was either very drunk or making a very pointed political statement. We all know what Muslims think of swine.

I hear that when she reported for work to Nazihat’s bunker, The Legal’s Nest, she was in big trouble. As punishment she was made to run around Albert Park in her stilettos and do 50 star jumps opposite the courts. It was quite a distraction for most of the judiciary but Queen Antonia, the CJ, did not rise.

Aunty Nur is very generously leading the donations to the PM’s Cyclone Appeal. As you know she got the exclusive contract for money laundering for the regime. Her normal fee is 25% of whatever she sends overseas to the tax havens. She will donate 5% of her December commissions on transfers to overseas bank accounts in Switzerland, Caymans and Vanuatu. That’s big money because all the officers and ministers are busy transferring their Christmas bonuses at the moment. I also hear both the glorious Leader and the True leader will each donate 1 of their ministerial salaries for the month of December. That means they will only have another 12 to buy their Chrissie Prezzies. By the way what do you think would be a suitable donation by us? I was thinking instead of giving cash you could do an inspirational lecture tour around the evacuation centers. You could give that really interesting talk on how a Fiji boy won a Logie.

Grubby I need you to come in and give some media training to the military. The Land Force Commander Thickoitoga really lived up to his reputation for stupidity on Radio Australia. He came up with the following statement. “The role of the military, certainly, is to make sure that the country is ahhh, ummm…that we have a country.” I am sure I heard Bruce Hill sniggering in the background after he said that.

It may be a sex thing but the boys in green don’t really listen to me and I think if you give them some training with your deep BBC World Service voice they might take notice.

Hugs and Kisses


This is to inform the public that this letter is a piece of fiction. However, some of the people and events mentioned are real.

Mana Island survived Hurricane Evan but will it survive Shazzer and Grubby’s drunken Christmas Celebrations?

The Ministry of Information has put in a request for a helicopter in this year’s budget. It is the only way to travel unless you are an easily scared paranoid dictator.

1 comment:

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